I'm a newlywed. I know that there is a lot of married life I haven't faced yet. There are challenges my husband and I haven't yet worked through. And yet, in the melding of two lives - of two distinct, different people- there are struggles. Maybe not huge struggles, but things like...
- Who takes out the trash?
- Who keeps the dishes and laundry done?
- Who cleans the bathroom?
- Who makes the bed?
- Who puts the clothes into the hamper?
- Which way does the toilet paper go on the holder?
- How should the towels be folded/hung up?
- Do you squeeze the toothpaste carefully from the end or just squash it in the middle of the tube until enough toothpaste is dispensed for tooth-brushing?
- How often is it ok to eat out in a week?
- How do we keep bills paid and budget our money?
- How often is it ok to buy new books?
- Should we just rent movies or buy new releases that we liked?
- Who should be taking care of grocery shopping?
- and on...
Communication.
Since we're both working and both in school, we don't have the same amount of time at home, and when we do, we have different things that are priorities to us while we're home. When looking at what needs to be done, instead of making assumptions, instead of feeling like since I'm the wife I should be doing everything (and somehow able to keep up with it all!) we talk about it. When he has time between classes, could he maybe take out the trash or throw in a load of laundry? When he notices that the dishes need to be done, he'll pitch in and get them washed. When I want a break from homework, I'll clip coupons, think through menus, and pick up groceries when I'm out erranding next. When I have an afternoon at home, I'll work on other things that need to be done.
When he folds the towels weirdly (ie: differently than I would!), I ask why he folds them like that, and whether it's important to him that they're like that. And if it is a preference, not just habit, I can love him by folding towels like he prefers.
When he helps out with doing laundry, even if it's not how I would do it, I appreciate it and let him know I appreciate it.
Conversely, when there are things I do (like squashing the tube of toothpaste in the middle) that bother him (a religious "squeeze the toothpaste from the end" man), he loves me by not making a big deal of it. [Which is gracious of him, because I am pretty sure I frequently forget this preference.]
Listening to these women talking, one of the overriding themes I heard was Control. There were comments about their husbands not doing things right, about not helping out, about how they didn't do things the way their wives would've done them when they did help out. I'm not dismissing those comments as unfounded; there are some inconsiderate husbands out there! However, as I listened, I realized how helpful it is when love and communication characterize a relationship. When I notice the ways my husband has helped out around the house and in other areas of life and I let him know that I like that he helped out, even if it's not perhaps how I would have done it or something I saw as a very high priority, I am letting go of that need to Control- of that need to make sure things are exactly how I would have done them!
In those moments, I am speaking life to our marriage & to our relationship. When I observe the ways his approach is different than mine, and comment on that before appreciating the heart behind what he's done, I'm speaking death. I'm diminishing his motivation, ignoring the love behind his actions, and there, lying beneath my critical words, I am crushing his desire to love me through helping out.
In Proverbs 18:21, it says that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
I know that. Now, I am challenged to speak Life on a more daily basis than ever before.
